Sisyphus Weeps
by ardj18
Summary: In which Steve isn't exactly unconscious for those seventy years, but he desperately wishes he were.


Steve wakes up warm, curled closely against Bucky in their tiny tent, ostensibly for warmth in the freezing Alps, though he knows they're not fooling anyone. He snuggles in even closer, content to ignore the world for a few more minutes. There is the niggling feeling at the back of his mind that he's forgetting something, something important. Something seems off, but he's so warm and comfortable that he doesn't want to think about it.

Bucky nuzzles sleepily at Steve's neck, groaning slightly as he adjusts to consciousness. "Ungh," he sighs, attempting to bury himself under Steve. Steve just laughs and pulls Bucky closer. The sense of wrongness grows stronger, but Steve ignores it in favor of pressing a gentle kiss to Bucky's hair.

"We should get up," he whispers reluctantly. "We've got a mission, remember?"

"Stupid train," Bucky mutters.

Images suddenly assault Steve's mind: watching Bucky fall from the train, attempting to drink himself into a stupor in a bombed out bar, the fight with Schmidt, crashing the plane into the ice. Steve bolts into a sitting position, gasping for breath as he tries to fight off a panic attack.

"Steve? Steve, what's wrong?" Bucky sits up, wrapping an arm around Steve's shoulders and fussing over him worriedly.

Bucky. Bucky's here. Bucky's here and safe and _alive_. It was just a dream. Just a really horrible dream born of nerves over the upcoming mission.

Steve turns into Bucky's hold and buries his face in the other man's shoulder. "Stevie? Please, tell me what's wrong." Bucky sounds terrified, and that won't do.

"I'm fine, Buck," Steve manages to gasp out. A few tears escape his eyes and soak through Bucky's shirt. "It was just a nightmare. I'll be fine in a minute."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Bucky asks tentatively. Steve shakes his head vigorously. No, he absolutely does _not_ want to talk about it. Instead, he wants to curl up with Bucky in this tiny tent and never leave. But he can hear the other Commandos moving about outside and knows they need to head out soon. So he straightens and forces all thoughts of the dream from his mind.

"Let's just get this damn mission over with," he says with determination, steadfastly ignoring the dread curling painfully in his gut.

...

The mission isn't really going well, but Steve is far more concerned with how closely events are beginning to resemble his dream. The dread in his gut grows heavier with every passing moment, and he finds himself distracted.

Steve swears his heart stops when he sees Bucky hanging off the side of the train, exactly as it had happened in his dream. He throws himself out of the gaping hole and reaches for Bucky's hand desperately.

_C'mon, c'mon, _he thinks. _Just reach a little bit farther._

It wasn't a dream.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm, curled closely against Bucky in their tiny tent, ostensibly for warmth in the freezing Alps, though he knows they're not fooling anyone. He lies there for a moment before his memories come crashing back. He gasps and begins to sob as his thoughts catch up with him.

Bucky is immediately awake, rubbing a hand up and down Steve's back, murmuring soothingly in his ear. "It's okay, Stevie. Whatever it is, I swear it'll be okay."

But it's not okay, and no matter how hard he tries, Bucky can't make it okay. Bucky can't do anything about it, because Bucky _fell. Again._

Steve's head snaps up, almost hitting Bucky chin. Bucky's _here._ If Bucky's here, then maybe things don't have to happen the same way. Why else would he be here again? Bucky doesn't have to fall. Bucky doesn't have to die.

Bucky's face is filled with alarm at Steve's reactions, but Steve just grabs his shoulders and drinks in the sight of him safe and alive. He can save him. He can change everything.

"Steve, what's wrong?"

Steve opens his mouth to explain, to tell Bucky exactly what's going on and why he can't, under any circumstances, get on that train, but nothing comes out. He frowns and tries again, but all that he manages is a choked off whimper. Bucky looks like he's about ready to run for medical help, but Steve's grip keeps him in place.

"Stevie, c'mon, tell me what's wrong."

Steve desperately tries to force out the words. "Nightmare," he hears his own voice muttering. "I'll be fine."

He wants to scream. He wants to sob and wail and screech at the injustice of it all. _I'm not fine! _ he wants to yell. _You died and I had to watch and I'm not going to be fine unless I can stop it!_

But he can't manage any words, an invisible weight settling on his lungs. Instead he sobs into Bucky's shoulder as the other man soothes him.

...

Steve tries everything he can think of to stop the mission, but nothing works. Every time he tries to tell someone, the words stick in his throat. Every time he tries to call the mission off everyone laughs it off like a joke. Every time he tries to tackle Bucky to the ground and not let him go anywhere, his body refuses to cooperate.

In the end, he's forced to continue with the mission. He keeps an eye on Bucky, determined not to repeat his past mistakes, but his efforts are in vain.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm, but with ice curling in his stomach. He clutches Bucky as closely as he can, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes and freezing in Bucky's hair.

"What's wrong, Stevie?"

"Nightmare."

Steve tries to convince Falsworth to take Bucky's place on the train. Bucky gives him an incredulous look and says he's an idiot.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm and decides he's not going to move for anything. He stays silent when Bucky asks what's wrong. He doesn't move to get up when he hears the Commandos outside.

He lasts half an hour before his body, against his will, gets up and gets ready and heads for the train.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm. He tries to tie Bucky to a tree but his hands won't grab the rope, not matter how loudly he (internally) screams.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm. Steve wakes up warm. Steve wakes up warm.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm. He tries to throw a grenade on their supplies. It turns out to be a dud.

Bucky falls.

* * *

"What's wrong, Stevie?"

"Nightmare."

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm.

Bucky falls. Steve tries to let go of the train and jump after Bucky, but his hand stays stubbornly curled around the rail. Gabe finds him, screaming his lungs raw and clawing viciously at his hand that refuses to let go.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm. He sobs silently throughout the entire day.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up for the two hundred and third time. He doesn't bother trying to change anything. He goes through eighty-six more days in pained resignation.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm. He tries to jump off the cliff before they even see the train. Bucky catches him and berates him for clumsiness.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm. He kisses Bucky passionately and won't let him leave the tent, simply holding him close and kissing him. He doesn't even stop when the rest of the Commandos walk in to tell them it's time to go. He kisses Bucky periodically as they walk to the zip line site. He kisses Bucky before they jump onto the train. He kisses Bucky before the door separates them.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm. He starts a forest fire but a fresh fall of snow puts it out before it gets very large.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm. Steve wakes up warm. Steve wakes up warm. Steve wakes up warm. Steve wakes up warm.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up for the ten thousand nine hundred fiftieth time. He'd stopped counting eight thousand days ago.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm. He tries to claw his eyes out so he won't have to watch Bucky fall. Bucky stops him and the serum heals the scratches within minutes.

Bucky falls and Steve watches.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm. He screams for five minutes straight until his lungs feel like razors.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm. He thinks he has no more tears to cry.

He's wrong.

Bucky falls.

* * *

"What's wrong, Stevie?"

"Nightmares."

Bucky falls.

* * *

"You okay, Cap?"

"Didn't sleep well."

Bucky falls.

* * *

"You look horrible, Rogers."

"I'm fine."

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm. He sticks a gun in his mouth. The trigger doesn't work.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up warm. Steve wakes up warm. Steve wakes up warm. Steve wakes up warm. Steve wakes up warm. Steve wakes up warm. Steve wakes up warm. Steve wakes up warm. Steve wakes up warm.

Bucky falls.

* * *

Steve wakes up cold. Bucky isn't there. A too-old baseball game is playing.

Steve knows he should feel relieved. He doesn't have to watch Bucky fall again. He doesn't have to relive that day. And isn't that what he's wanted for nearly seventy years?

But he also won't wake up with Bucky's warmth next to him again. He thinks it might be worth another seventy years of Bucky falling to wake up next to him once more.

Steve wakes up cold and dreams of warmth and death.


End file.
